Monday, August 11, 2014

I Make The Same Mistakes

Hello again!

So, I know I technically already did "the intro" thing in my first blog, but I feel there is very important back story stuff you need to know about me that should make the proceeding blogs more coherent and cohesive. At least, that's my goal. This post might be a) terribly tedious or b) outstandingly overwhelming. Or perhaps my favorite: both.

While the thing to do now seems to be buck any labels of any kind, my generation created most of these labels, so I'm not afraid to use them. (Ok, we didn't CREATE these labels, but we embraced them. We wore our flaws as badges of honor and dammit if I won't tap into my 16-year-old self and do the same here!)

Let's break this down into categories, shall we... (I did mention I love lists, right? I wasn't joking...)

Don't laugh! I am certainly not one to live my life by horoscopes or the rising-sun-in-this-house stuff. That being said, I am a Scorpio in every. sense. of. the. word. Read it and weep. Or run. Actually run is probably better...
For better or worse, that is me. To a tee. The four traits I see the most often in myself (mind you, I see ALL of those traits in me ALL of the time) are: intense, intuitive, secretive and destructive. Unfortunate, yes. But as Lynn Anderson sang, "I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden."

Mental Illness:
I have been diagnosed with a myriad of conditions found in several books I studied as a counseling student myself. These include, but are not limited to: major depression, generalized anxiety, panic attack disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, binge-eating disorder, bipolar disorder (later changed by my psychiatrist once I broke up with my then girlfriend-ain't love grand?), self-harm, and for a few months I had what I call "functional agoraphobia." My OCD was so out of control at that point I literally went to work and ZUMBA class and that's it, due to my obsessive fear of being killed in a car accident.

Sexual Orientation:
I'm still confused by this one. In fact, my most recent confusion lead to a trigger in numbers 1 and 5, in the previously mentioned mental conditions, the past couple months. I suppose for all intents and purposes I am bisexual. I am attracted to and have dated both men and women and while I have dated more women than men, I don't yet seem to prefer one over the other. Both are equally a lot of fun and a lot of work. I suppose all relationships are, not just romantic ones. But it's the romantic ones that seem to leave me spinning me out of my mind, grasping for some semblance of what used to be me, and swearing off relationships until the next person to show me attention waltzes into my life. Rinse and repeat. (See blog post title...)

EXACTLY! For example, here are my current celebrity crushes...

Also cause for major depression and binge-eating disorder: the sequel. I recently stopped being a counselor, for which I have spent the last seven years studying, interning, and working as. I stopped for several reasons, the main one being my desire to relocate out of state and finding it difficult to secure a counselor position without a state license, but another, also main, reason is I became burnt out. All the classic signs you hear about in school, but never think will happen to you. Empathy fatigue. Vicarious traumatization. Burn. Out. So, now I am a nanny. I haven't been a nanny for an infant in seven years. And it is A LOT harder than I remember. I was younger, in better shape, and more patient overall. Not to say I'm not kicking ass at my job (because I totally am!), it's just more than I expected. Everything lately seems to be more than I expected.

You may be wondering why I appear to be annihilating myself in such a self-deprecating way. That is, in no way, my intent. I am sharing with you what makes me me. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I am proud to be an intense, intuitive, challenging Scorpio. I am proud to be bisexual, even though I, sometimes, still question what exactly that means. I'm proud of my mental illness and the battles I have fought. I am proud of my career paths-past, present, and future.

It's all truth. And the truth is neither good nor bad. It is what it is. Boom!

Onto my last category. My FAVORITE category. Something I want to add to my life to help appreciate more, love more, and hope more. There's only one thing on this list:

Treat Yo Self!


This is something I NEVER do. I am always focused on what I need to "work on" or "work towards." I don't want to "work" I want to TREAT! Let me explain. For me, it's all about semantics. If I make a list of things I need to do to better myself, it instantly feels like a chore. It feels daunting and time consuming and I just roll over and quit before I begin. If I say I am going to treat myself, it's fun, exciting, adventurous. 

These may include massages, pedicures, new clothes, new furniture, a new book, a new activity routine, a bottle of great wine, a quiet conversation with a friend, a day spent watching clips of Oprah's Lifeclass, finding the perfect writing desk for my creative could be endless and that's exciting!

You have a lot of information about me, please use it wisely. Some of the things may have turned you off and that's fine. It's important, to me, to be myself and put it all out there, from the beginning. This is quite honestly the exact opposite of how it usually goes with me. I end up trying to deny those pieces of me that aren't shiny and fun and cute. But, I don't care anymore. I am equal parts black and white, and as Maureen sang, "Take me for what I am. Who I was meant to be. And if you give a damn. Take me, baby, or leave me."


*Title credit: Song "Same Mistakes" released by The Echo-Friendly in 2014*

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