Monday, January 2, 2017

Guess I'm Contagious It'd Be Safest If You Ran

Relationships. Fuck me. I can't, in good conscience, go into 2017 without addressing them. I am an unlikely (and not at all proud) heart breaker. I have collected quite a few hearts over the years and I hate myself for it. There's not much else that haunts me the way my relationship history does. I oscillate between deep, unrelenting shame and indifference-the latter I'm certain is only there as a reprieve from the former. But, like an abuser is often a victim of abuse, this heart breaker is a highly sensitive empath whose heart was broken one too many times and has resigned to her fate.

At least that was my thought in 2016 and now I'm like FUCK THAT. Maybe my relationship style is unique, but I want to fall in love and I plan to. As many times as it takes. I want to find someone I connect with on every level and know them intimately, beyond bed sheets and candles. A kind of harmony I have yet to experience fully. I've come awful close and then one (or both) of us feels rejected or hurt (life) and builds walls. I'm usually so aggressive I end up banging on said walls, only making them harder to perforate. I'm like a goddamn Miley Cyrus.

Then, I graduate to passive aggression, sometimes within the course of the relationship, sometimes it's just my MO out of the gate. Passive aggression is bad. It's one step up from giving up. At least, that's been my experience. If you catch me being passive aggressive...


No good. I'm starting to mentally shut down when that happens. I'm now just appeasing you and quietly planning the inevitable: leaving. Because I seem to be addicted to changing myself, relationships become unfortunate collateral damage. Some relationships, unbeknownst to me, are only transitory and those are the hardest on me. Because I have usually been "working on myself" and feel healthy in ways I hadn't before, I feel confident in starting a relationship. But, very soon in I find myself restless, dissatisfied, and itching to leave-through zero fault of my counterpart. In fact, this person may be "perfect" and have done everything right. It's just timing. And it fucking sucks. These break-ups are the most inexplicable. Leaving both (definitely me) reeling and confused. I thought I was better than this. I thought I was a grown up now. I thought this is what I wanted! my mind would scream. That may be true, but it doesn't mean it was right.

I am a master self-saboteur because I have been gutted and demolished by relationships-romantic and otherwise. My high sensitivity makes it hard to bear the thought of that happening again. Therefore, at the smallest sign of a problem I freak out. Inwardly and first. It doesn't take long for my inner world to seep out of my mouth and alert friends and partners of my insecurities. And NOTHING is hotter or sexier than insecurity...

Once I start to feel insecure, it's hard to reign it in and the very things I fear (my partner falling out of love with me, finding someone else, and cheating on me) happen. And it's happened enough to where I almost expect it...eventually. Which is why I have considered (and still do from time to time) polyamory. But another blog for another time...

So, to avoid the unsexy insecurities and seemingly inevitable broken heart, I jump ship. I find a reason to leave and I do. And, truth be told, at first it's empowering. Probably because I have felt so disempowered in relationships, either from my loads of baggage I'm bringing in, the way I'm treated in the relationship, or a beautiful disaster called all the above. As time wears on, I feel regret, disgust, loss, grief; sometimes months or years after the fact, since I have become a ninja at suppressing my feelings.

Alas, this is my record, my history, my narrative. It's ugly and beautiful, all at once. Same goes for relationships and, for that matter, life. I've seen the ugly, caused a lot of it myself, but I've seen the beautiful as well. And fuck if the beautiful isn't worth all the ugly.


*Title credit song "Blood In The Cut" by K. Flay in 2016 (Because I'm obsessed with it!)

No comments:

Post a Comment