I have perpetuated the same toxic friendship pattern since middle
school, but in my adulthood this cycle has become debilitating. In my 20's, I came out as bisexual and for my straight gal
pals, being in a same sex relationship and chubby made me an easy
target for toxic friendships. Looking back, I now see that it was mainly due
to two things: 1) I was still insatiably trying to become friends with
"the cool girls" and therefore eager to please and 2) I was
non-threatening to these straight girls. I wasn't going to steal their
boyfriends, I was the Rebel Wilson and Melissa McCarthy to their Anna
Kendrick and Sandra Bullock. I was "the funny one", provided comic
relief from the chaos of their lives. Because I was in serious and long
term relationships, I think I was viewed as a non-sexual being. Less
than human. A side kick. Especially since my sex life
typically involved other women, my straight gal pals didn't want to include me in loose talk. There is a formula to these women that I have uncovered and
I apologize in advance if this describes you. This is not a judgment, I
promise, merely an observation.
The formula looks like this:
1. Straight Cis Female
2. Around my age, but maybe 5-7 years younger
3.
Serial dater, but falls in love with every man they date no matter how
little they know him or how much time they have spent with him
4. Has had a few long term relationships, but routinely cheats on them all in the name of finding love
5.
BUT is constantly worried she is being cheated on and checking his
emails and texts are commonplace, even accepted as "this is
what it's like to date me"
6. Is above average on the
attractiveness scale and puts a lot of time into looks; spending money they
don't have on blow outs, make up, clothes, but can barely pay rent or
buy groceries...
7. Which leads to their beau of the moment
being a semi-sugar daddy, picking up the rent because she spent $150 on a
mani/pedi (further justifying the cheating "You know I don't LOVE Tom,
but he's paying my car insurance right now so I can't break up with him
yet, plus I'm pretty sure Derek is the one...")
8. She
tolerates (and I use that word loosely) my lack of style, even though
she secretly wishes she had the confidence to go to a bar in flannel pj
pants and a ripped tank top
9. She attempts to "make me over"
at first casually suggesting "Wouldn't it be fun if we straightened
your hair?!" to less subtle "That shirt is fucking hideous!" (justifying
the last statement as "The Cosmo talking!")
10.
She uses me as her wing woman in bars because she believes I am too
gay, too chubby, or too fucking hideous to attract attention for myself
11. And last, but absolutely not the least, she uses me as her own personal therapist. I am who she calls for every
drama, from small to catastrophic (which are one in the same to her).
She insists on my feedback for every decision she makes. She consults
with me on matters of career choice, boyfriend, mom drama. And this-THIS-is where she gets me. That teenage girl who still lives inside me, the one who wore Enya tee shirts in middle school and mismatched
socks on purpose, is thrilled at the idea of one of the beautiful people
giving me attention. One of the beautiful people calling for my advice. I seem important to her. I get nicknames and labeled "best friend." I spend vacations with her and have the sleepovers in my 20's I
always wanted as a kid. I get to escape my life through her drama.
It's like watching a live version of Scandal, I seemingly
get all the benefits without any of the risks.
This
woman is not as superficial as she may sound. She is
typically college educated with career aspirations, BUT her main goal
*right now* is to find a man and have kids. There is absolutely nothing
wrong with that goal. I am all about choice and following your heart and
if your dream is to be married and have a family-go for it. No shade,
honest. What this post is addressing is the way these women have treated
me and I'm going to guess many of you. Treated like we are commodities. Like we
have nothing better in our lives than to help them navigate their every decision. And this is where the revelation comes in, usually
about 6 months to 1 year into the friendship: This woman could not give
two fucking shits about my life. These thoughts start occurring to me: She
never asks how I'm doing and when she does, there's no follow up the
next time we talk. She spends HOURS on the phone talking about her
relationship, but when I get to talk about mine, she has to hang up
within 10 minutes. She asks me for my advice an awful lot but doesn't
seem to heed any of it. She continues to ask me to join her for things
she knows I'm not interested in (hot yoga, getting our hair styled,
clothes shopping) but won't even consider doing things I enjoy. We used
to talk all the time, now she only texts when she's having boy drama.
Where is this friendship going? Why do I feel worse after being around
her instead of better?
Why indeed.
Friendships
should be re-energizing and empowering, not depleting and exhausting.
You should feel lifted up being around your "best friends" not feeling
fat or unworthy. You shouldn't feel honored to be graced with a phone
call from her, you should feel like you are on an equal playing field.
Now,
this is where I acknowledge my role and responsibility in the
friendship dynamic. I perpetuated this pattern because I began the
friendship feeling less than and I put that energy out there. I didn't
set boundaries or assert myself, because I felt "lucky" to even have one
of the beautiful people paying attention to me. Because my self-esteem
was so low, I didn't feel I deserved to be treated as an equal in a
friendship. I also form bonds fairly quickly with people and most times
these friendships are spawned from a working relationship. If you spend 8+
hours a day with someone, you tend to have a connection with her. You "get"
each other's daily struggles and plights. You bond over the
inconsistencies of your work environment, the annoying and boring staff
meetings. But, once that work relationship ceases to exist, there is little common ground to keep the friendship
going. I end up realizing fairly quickly how little I had in common with
this individual. Aside from work, what did we have? Not a whole lot.
It's a hard pill to swallow coming to terms with your "best friend" essentially being a stranger, someone who doesn't really understand or know you. It's hard realizing the amount of time, effort, and energy you put into the friendship wasn't reciprocated and you begin to question your own judgment and ask yourself How did I get myself into this? And once you have these insights, it's never as easy as ending the friendship. Female friendships and their complex dynamic have been written about ad nauseum. It's expected, almost, to keep up the image of a friendship even when you're heart's not in it anymore. And social media keeps up appearances far longer than the friend feelings. So how do we make peace with the assumption that girl friends are supposed to exist indefinitely even when the friend feelings have faded? How does one confront the end of friend feelings and break up with a friend in a kind and honest way?
